Thursday, March 25, 2010

"Render unto Caesar," Conservatives

Scholars have debated for centuries Jesus's exact meaning in Matthew 22:21, where he says, "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's."

One set of scholars sees this phrase as Jesus's clever way of avoiding tax authorities by seeming to say that the people must pay taxes, but actually covertly saying to followers, "Caesar deserves nothing, so you must render him nothing." These are the same scholars who praise Bill Clinton for wondering what the definition of "is" is.

The other set of scholars, which is correct, understands that Jesus was specifically being asked about paying taxes when he answered, and was stating clearly that citizens must abide by the Caesarian law and obey Earthly authorities.

The rest of the quote helps make this last point clear. Here's the full quote from Matthew: "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's." He's making clear the full power of the two alleged authorities, and equating their legitimacy. Pay taxes and give God your soul. End of subject.

But all of this misses the actual point, which is: NEVER BE AMBIGUOUS ABOUT MORALITY! No person of integrity leaves anything open to ambiguity, as Jesus was want to do repeatedly. If Caesar was wrongfully in power -- and, of course, he was -- then nobody should render anything to him, and Jesus should have said this clearly and boldly, especially given his alleged belief that this life is simply a base precursor to an alleged other life.

Here's what he should have said: "Hell no, you don't render unto Caesar and you shouldn't render unto any Caesars! Your life is your own. You cannot be forced to do anything by anyone that you have not contracted to do. End of subject. You are a rational being, and all of that Garden of Eden stuff was just God (um, that's me, I guess) having a bad-hair day. Hey, Jedidiah, stop being a Bogart on the wine, will ya?"

Jesus's Caesar quote is one of hundreds of instances of Jesus's foggy immorality that has so captivated Conservatives in America. In fact, the Conservatives love Jesus so much that they ignore his injunctions, usually when liberals, the new Caesars, demand more taxes. When this happens, the Conservatives suddenly pretend that they don't like taxes, especially against rich Conservatives who are ignoring Jesus's injunction to "sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." (Matthew 19:21)

Virtually everything Jesus said was antithetical to human life on Earth, relegating humans to destitute ground-grubbers pining for an alleged mystical life ever after -- sort of like folks in the Middle ages before smart people started waking up and saying, "Hey, what the hell have we been doing for 1,000 years following that homeless pin-head who deluded the stupid masses? We should be inventing shit and having fun! Besides, he promised he would come back before his generation was over, and he hasn't and I think he's off somewhere with Mary. Damn him! AND WE'RE OUT OF WINE!"

The Conservatives, even Miss Kitty Coulter (who took Jesus away from Mary when Jesus saw Kitty slowly uncross her sexy legs in a TV interview exposing her pretty panties for the Lefties to go stark raving madder.) simply ignore Jesus (bet he doesn't like that very much -- hence the earthquakes of late).

Yes, somehow, in the Conservatives' little uptight pea-heads they continue to twist and butcher a Jesus phrase worse than George Bush Sr. twisted and butchered the English language. Yeah, Jesus was wrong, but he's their god damned savior, isn't he?

So, to finally get to my point, we liberty lovers cannot depend upon Conservatives to go to bat for us against the Leftist Mafia in America. The Conservatives will do what they always do if they get power again: Say two Hail Marys and "no new taxes" and then RAISE TAXES.

Excuse me, Kitty, would you mind uncrossing your legs one more time -- pretty please?!

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