Monday, March 23, 2009

I love you, Earth, for Cheerios and edible underwear

There are many campaigns planned for March 28 at 8:30 p.m. (so-called Earth Hour) by people who actually like living on Earth and like what the Earth provides and like what we rational beings take from the Earth. You might call that "exploiting," but ... oh, what the hell, let's call it "exploiting Earth." Yes we are exploiters, and tell me you could live without your iPod or iPhone or computer or house or car or frig or DVD player or Xbox or lights or electricity or Cheerios or coffee maker or Calphalon pans or cable/satellite TV or Calvin Kleins or glasses or edible underwear or watch or cologne/perfume or dining room table or Nike shoes or lawnmower or Twinkies.

All of the above were created by ingenious and hardworking men and women by exploiting this Earth and emitting carbon dioxide in the process. Gang Green would have you deplore such activity. But I and many others would have you celebrate it. Celebrate our emissions as a metaphor for our happiness, for our belongings, for our unique and wondrous mind.

So join me and many others on Facebook in celebrating on the 28th at 8:30 p.m. I can't wait. I'll leave all the lights on in my house, turn the AC down to 63, drive around in my car while playing "The Fountainhead" on my portable DVD player, smoke a few cigarettes, call up Motel 6 and thank them for their "we'll keep the lights on for ya" campaign, harass Gang Green, breathe a lot, have sex (so I can breathe a lot more), mow my yard under the floodlights, harass Gang Green some more, call Al Gore and tell him that I hid his box of Twinkies under the radioactive rods at the Tennessee Valley Nuclear Plant right next to his granny-tighty-whities, and be sure to tell each adherent of Gang Green fascism that they are not doing nearly enough to stop pollution and that if they had any dignity at all they would cease all breathing immediately.

Going to be a busy and lovely night. Here's to you and me. Here's to lovely Earth. Here's to the mind of humans.

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