Saturday, April 11, 2009

God is caught whacking off again

Let's pretend for a moment that you are the omnipotent ruler of the universe and allegedly know when all things will happen and can stop them from happening or, better yet, simply don't allow things to be in a situation where cause and effect tragically occur.

OK, yeah, so you are "GOD"! Now, what the hell are you doing when natural disaster strikes -- like the earthquake in Italy on Monday that murdered (remember, you could have stopped it) almost 300 people? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Uhuh, you're whacking off (if you're a man) or you're using The Rabbit (if you're a woman) or both (if you're androgynous). ... (I hear that once a woman uses The Rabbit, she never goes back to men, so I've decided to adopt a nickname -- yeah, you guessed it: "The Energizer Bunny." Hope it helps.)

OK, God, if you're not whacking off or smoking a Cuban or playing a celestial piano or watching the Red Sox or cavorting around Cassiopeia or drinking a Bud on your starry couch, then you must've been paying attention and could've stopped the Italian genocide but decided not to because you just wanted to see the little gargoyle called The Pope give you lots of grief-attention when he tells the hapless Italians that their God is now "moved by their pain."

Feeling lonely, God? Having a tender moment of "I'm here, I'm here, don't forget me. Even God needs a little attention every once in a while, even if it means I have to kill off a couple of hundred of you wretched little earthworms. ... Now get on your knees, you pathetic little credulous fucks and pray that YOU won't be the next I visit mayhem and destruction upon. ... Oops, sorry. Kinda lost it there. Feeling isolated. I didn't really mean it. ... Like hell, I didn't mean it, you sorry lowlifes who think I really exist. Ha! Jokes on you!"

Now, KNEEL, believer!

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