Sunday, May 10, 2009

It sucks to be a kangaroo, man!

In case you haven't heard, Australia is killing off 6,000 kangaroos with guns and bombs and assorted death instruments.

And why are the Aussies committing the kang-ocide of the cute little hippety-hoppities? Well, to save endangered insects, of course, you dummy! And a few reptiles, too.

"Endangered insects?" you ask. Uhuh. I wondered the same. Didn't know such a thing existed, though I guess those darling little snail-darters were (are) insects. Evidently, the kangaroos are just eating too darn much grass. (Where the hell are the grass-rights activists when you need them?!)

All of that said, I have to thank the cute roos for sacrificing themselves for wonderful comic relief. Their deaths have put the weeds-and-seeds crowd (that's "animal rights activists" to you unwashed masses) in a snit. Better yet, the deaths have created that lovely perfect storm of dissonance (please notice I did not say "cognitive dissonance," because the weedy-seedys crowd has no cognition) whenever certain animals are encroaching on other animals' "habitats."

"Who do we save?" "What do we do?" "All life is precious. Oh no no no no no no no no!"

Quote one weedy-seedy: "We're not going to sit back and let it (kang-ocide) happen."

OK, here's a plan then, weedy-seedy: Adopt-a-roo. Go out there and have a chat with the roos and offer them a home sweet home. Offer 'em three squares and a roof. Go hippity-hoppity in the yard with 'em. Teach them to respect the rights of their tiny little insect friends and reptile amigos. Have them put the insects and reptiles in their pouches, so they can nurture and "walk in their shoes" a bit.

Oh, one recommendation, weedy-seedy, on roo tendencies. They've got an awesome back kick with those muscular legs. You might want to be careful when you're picking up a stray insect escaping behind the roo. One swift, powerful slam to the head and you might kick-start that dormant brain, become semi-rational and shotgun that imposing roo.

Then listen very closely. Yes, that's the sound of thousands of insects singing "Margaritaville."

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