Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The transsexual transvestite from Transylvania

A recent survey published in the WSJ showed that Americans are blissfully unaware of what's actually in the book that they believe to be the most important in their lives.

Here's what the survey found about Bible followers:
1) 60% can't name five of the Ten Commandments. (Little wonder since 5 of them were all about God himself getting his panties in an uproar about competitors.)
2) Only 50% could name a single gospel.
3) 60% thought Jesus was born in Jerusalem.
4) Few could distinguish between epistles, prophecy and history.
5) Most didn't know difference between inerrancy and literalism (much less what those terms mean)

In light of the above, I thought it my humble duty to educate Christians.

1) The Last Supper was a homosexual orgy (Come on, 12 non-related guys get together for food and wine and gossip!)
2) The epistles were the thorns that Jesus and his gay entourage got in their backs while having rollicking fun. (Moral of story: Always use a public restroom.)
3) Jesus was a transsexual transvestite from Transylvania, and his real name was Rocky, which was not revealed until 1975.
4) Martin Luther's 95 theses were actually 95 web sites, of which this semi-family blog will not list.
5) The city of Sodom was built and named so that later Christians could show themselves to be a blighted, ignorant, provincial, prejudiced people by uttering loudly the term "sodomite."
6) After raping Mary, God was heard to pronounce, "Myself, I'm SO glad I made Jesus a homo, so he would NEVER have to smell THAT kind of fish, though I shall make him a fishermen of men. Heh heh."
7) The term for "water" in Hebrew actually means "semen" if pronounced with a lisp, and so the ritualistic "baptism" takes on a whole new meaning. Jesus had a lisp.
8) The crucifixion is a metaphorical "crossing of swords." ... Get it? You know, when two penises collide or "cross" during lovemaking. Come on, people! It's SOOO obvious.
9) "Inerrancy" means NEVER entering the wrong, ahem, hole. "Literalism" means never EVER using the term "literally" because you always fuck it up if you're a Christian.
10) The 10th Commandment (least important) allegedly says, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." What it really says is "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's 'wife'." There is also a wink next to this commandment.
11) God created the world in six days. Yes, true. But he finished on Friday, not Saturday. Even he knew that gay bars suck on Sunday -- not LITERALLY, of course

2 comments:

Just Julie said...

Ever the smart ass. :-)

I laughed out loud at the lisp comment.

Funny you wrote on the commandments...I was just thinking about them the other day and "rewrote" a few of them in my head using a little satire. Gave myself a good chuckle.

Julie

David Elmore said...

Me, a smartass?! Nah! ;)
I also got to chuckling while I was writing this. I'd like to read your rewrites of the commandments, girl! Bring 'em on! :)
David