Wednesday, December 16, 2009

News Flash -- A volcano gets a scolding

*News Flash* (YouTube video to appear shortly)

President Obama’s teleprompter expressed outrage today at the Philippine volcano Mayon for spewing vast amounts of ash into the atmosphere, calling the exhaust “a reckless disregard for our planet, an unconscionable act that will lead to catastrophic global warming, and an obvious attempt to embarrass me, the president’s teleprompter.” (We here at All the News that’s Fit to Give You Fits don’t give you quotes and end-quotes; we just change our voice or do double-double fingers (DDFs))

Noting the timing of Mayon’s exhaust, the president’s teleprompter then addressed the volcano directly: “Look. Let me be clear. You will not undermine our brave attempts in Copenhagen to suffocate businesses worldwide and to raise taxes on all citizens who bring prosperity to all through capitalism and make more than they should make.”

The head of the European Union’s climate control, Stavros Dimas (yes, that’s his real name), immediately announced sanctions against the volcano and called for $2 billion in fines against Mayon for, he said, “obviously pointing its middle finger at us in a cloud that rose 10,000 meters into the air above the volcano. Nobody points their middle finger at US! Have you not seen what we have done to Microsoft for doing what it wants with its own private property?!”

Upon release of the news of the threat by Stavros Dimas (yes, that’s his real name), Mayon, the volcano, and the surrounding territory shook terribly, knocking people and farm animals off their feet. Some volcanologists called the ground-shaking a mere chuckle, while others termed it a full belly-laugh.

Volcanologists then raised the “alert level” on the volcano overnight to two steps below major eruption, which is one step below “pretty god-awful eruption.” Volcanologists claim they are no relation to the Vulcan, Mr. Spock of Star Trek. The claim appears to be true, as you can see by their pointy heads, not ears, in the picture at left … or right … or wherever the hell it is. (picture)

But the volcanologists bear a remarkable resemblance to President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Al Gore, George Clooney and consensus-ologists who call themselves scientists, as you can see in THIS picture (picture).

After release of the news of Mayon’s giant belching, hackers around the world noticed a uniform increase in secret emails among consensus-ologists who call themselves scientists. The subject title on the most popular email thread was “We’ll rape that son-of-a-bitch skeptical volcano, and she will like it.”

One noted consensus-ologist who calls himself a scientist in London later apologized for the subject line, saying, “We obviously should’ve used the gender-neutral “it” instead of “she.”

Mayon, the volcano, did not return comment, but the ground shook terribly.

(That’s your update with All the News That’s Fit to Give You Fits. As always, please remember that edible underwear made of dark chocolate is good for your heart.)

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