Friday, October 02, 2009

I've decided to run for president

OK, I'll need all of you to deny you've ever known me or to state very confidently that I am a devout Christian who seeks world peace and a Green World and for everybody to just get along. ... I guess I'll have to delete this blog, too, and all of the thousands of online posts I've made that have pissed off scores of people and made it sound like I wasn't a Christian and didn't want world peace. I'll probably need to consult a politician or ACORN worker of union member on how to lie convincingly. And I'll definitely have to ditch the only pair of shoes I wear: sandals. And ...

Oh hell, fuhgetaboutit. I'll just be me. So, here's my platform, in order of executive decisions.

1) Jail Obama Dead Eyes and Congress for sedition and grand larceny -- and ask the judge to defer sentence on the only one still standing after they all have been sent to a giant swine farm and forced to smother each other in shit until only one survives. That one survivor will have done such a national service that he may go free -- after he/she showers.

2) Nuke the military/industrial/administrative complexes of Iran, Syria, North Korea, China, Russia, Somalia, Saudi Arabia and a few others. Drop leaflets in aforesaid countries letting any surviving evildoers know that more nukes are coming if they don't form a liberty constitution and abide by it. Before nuking, I will propose that our military's special forces capture each head of state and drop him/her onto the African savanna within a quarter-mile of a pack of raving mad hyenas. Favorite presidential word: "unilateral."

3) Abolish the welfare state (too many things to list); abolish all taxes; eliminate all regulations and tariffs. Shut down all "public schools." End all handouts for anything. (Send letter to all welfare queens saying that they can contact Michelle Obama Dead Eyes for sympathy if they no longer feel proud of their country.) Bring back the Gold Standard. Abolish all coercive laws such as minimum wage. Burn all Social Security numbers and every bit of private information on all free Americans. Create an online list of all the "fishy" comments made by Hollywoodites et al and ensure that the National Rifle Association is informed of the list.

4) Sell off all "national parks" and all property, roads and buildings "belonging" to the government (except for courts) and use the money for a kick-ass Cabo San Lucas vacation. Oops, sorry. Use the money to pay back Americans who have been robbed their entire working lives.

5) Supplant the Christmas holiday with Mary Jo Kopechne Day, as a reminder of what politicians used to be (thieves and murderers) and what government will be in the future (protector of liberty).

6) Shut down the Post Office, Amtrak and all other government-run boondoggles -- and load their 19th century computers (and personnel) onto a big-ass plane and drop them on Madonna's house while she's giving a party for her Red celebs.

7) Personally drive a bulldozer through the FDR monument on the Washington Mall (twice).

8) Redo the Constitution and make it clear that each citizen has a right to be free from coercion AND NOTHING ELSE. Add a provision stating that states cannot pass coercive legislation either. Add a provision stating that if you're too goddamned fat to fit into one seat on an airplane, then the airline can charge you for two seats -- and you sure as hell had better not whine about it!

9) Add a redundancy to the Constitution saying that you have a right to own a gun, and if anyone tries to pass legislation saying you don't, you can shoot him in both knees.

10) Decriminalize drugs. Free the drug "criminals." Partayyyyyyyyy!

11) Tell oil companies, "Go ahead, dudes. Drill. Drill, baby drill. Drill till you can't drill no more!"

12) Tell Hollywood commies that if they don't like it, they can fricking "Johnny Depp" -- move to France.

13) Tell Nancy Pelosi that she is now a jobless, painted scarecrow, but that she at least has a brush (unlike Rosalyn Carter), and she'll have to smother 535 other schemers in a giant swine pit to get to use the brush (after the shower).

14) Ask the courts to indict Michelle Obama Dead Eyes as an accessory (no, not THAT kind of accessory) to socialism. Ask the judge to go lenient on her if she gets that "I'm finally proud of my country" unctuous grin off her bug-eyed face.

15) Tell unions, "You're on your own, Mo-Fos." Bwahahahahah! Pension this!!

16) Tell big business: "No more lobbying, no more regulations and no more government oversight. So, you're on your own, and you can be successful and thrive or you can crash by your own incompetence -- but you can't blame government anymore and you can't turn in your competitors for alleged "monopoly" practices anymore. Stop whining and start working like it's a free country again. Good luck."

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