Monday, January 25, 2010

Comrade Keillor hurts my testicles

The Prairie Home comrade has been rousted from Lenin's coffin once again by Keith Ubermann to be witty when the Left gets caught up in its whining. A great hush filled latte lounges and 30 Rock as comrade Keillor prepares to levity.

And again, comrade Keillor, dog-gonnit, does his triple-Quaalude best. After his most recent column went to print, the Leftist laughtrack sounded from the halls of MSNBC to the shores of Pe-lo-si. Across the nation, anxious Lefties proclaimed, "Look, see! We can be funny! We're not ALWAYS trying to screw you!"

But this time, the confidently soporific comrade Keillor gets angry -- well, as angry as a dachshund woken from a Scooby-snacks dream can be. The comrade, evidently, is upset that a bunch of rich capitalist Americans are knocking back a Pina Colada or two on cruise ships in the Caribbean while "great heaps of dead bodies" pile up in a nearby third-world country that has been content for centuries to build shacks and to steal from each other instead of create a free country with sturdy buildings that can withstand earthquakes.

And he's gosh-darnnit mad about the Tea Partiers' "enjoying their day in the sun" and the Republicans' "sitting on their thumbs" while Obama sweats sickles and hammers and Rush Limbaugh getting a colonoscopy via a "golden probe with a diamond tip" and Sarah Palin making oodles even though "we the people decided she was not vice-presidential material."

Goodness, comrade, you need a Quaalude. Make it a triple.

Now, to be fair to comrade Keillor, he's not demanding a great heaping of capitalist testicles in the Marxist courtyard. His kind never do, of course. The Rousseau-ians demand Passion Plays for the underprivileged and seek universal verklemptitude over the tragic-fallen and an atheistic prayer vigil for the trickled-upon. You can, however, get a glimpse of the Rousseau-ians giggling and fondling each other in a dark corner as the Trotskyites slice and dice the Bourgeoisie's testes. Comrade Keillor would, no doubt, prefer coffee, not tea, with his testes.

This whole Tea Party movement thingie seems to have unnerved the usually somnambulant comrade Keillor, though. I point to the facts, to this: his characterization of newspapers as "reliable." Let me repeat that for those who just spewed. He called newspapers RELIABLE! Uhuh. Wait, there's more. He said that everything will be OK with America because its government is at least currently in the hands of "realists."

Oh, comrade, shut up, please, you're killing me! I can't take it anymore. You ARE funny! Who would ever think to call those wishing to steal Americans' money and tell them what to do every minute of their lives at the point of a gun REALISTS? Only you, comrade. Only you!

Excuse me for a moment. My testicles hurt.

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