Friday, February 27, 2009

Ashes to asses and duhs to dunces

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday for Catholics. Normally, I have to listen to people before proclaiming them ignorant, but when millions of people mark their foreheads with their ignorance, I'm saved the trouble, and I get to do a little razzing.

"Hey, Jay, you got something on your forehead. Looks like you stuck your finger in your fireplace and put a Plus sign up there."
"That's an ash cross, David. Today is Ash Wednesday. We're celebrating ..."
"Oh, yeah, Lint."
"It's Lent."
"Isn't that when you stop eating or something?"
"Lent begins our 40 days of fasting. Yes, some of us don't eat meat and others don't eat chocolate. Things like that."
"Does that include, like, steak and Whitman's chocolates?"
"No way, man!? Do you give up steak and Whitman's!?"
"I give up red meat and milk and alcohol."
"Those are my favorite things."
"But that don't make sense. If they're your favorite things, why do you give 'em up? I mean, why not give up, like, liver and asparagus. Ha. Hell, I could live 40 years without liver and asparagus."
"That's the whole point, David. It's a time of abstinence and repentance. It's the preparation for the Lord's death and resurrection."
"Come again."
"It's a time when we abstain from bodily pleasure to heighten our sense of depravity that must be redeemed by our redeemer."
"Hey, have you ever seen that movie 9 1/2 weeks? You know, where Mickey Rourke pours all that stuff on what's-her-name and then he licks it off and they ..."
"Kim Bassinger."
"What's that?"
"The woman's name that Mickey Rourke is with is ..."
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was wondering if when he pours chocolate over her pussy ..."
"Shhhh! ... We're in a place of business, David. Keep your voice down please?"
"Huh. Oh. Yeah. Anyway, I was wondering if, when Mickey goes down to lick it off her you-know, then it must not be Lint or, if it is, he must not be a Catholic, or I guess he could just not have red meat and milk. But then I was wondering what he'd do if he was a Catholic and it was Lint and he gave up chocolate and he had that big beautiful Kim Bassinger pussy right there all covered in chocolate ..."
"Ooops, sorry 'bout that. Well, what the hell would you do if you was Mickey Rourke, Jay?!"
"Come again?"

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