Friday, October 24, 2008

Big Brother is Weight-Watching You

Two weeks ago, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (aka The Diet Luftwaffe) issued a proclamation that Americans need to get at least 2.5 hours of vigorous exercise every week to stay healthy. All of which prompted the obvious questions: "Does foreplay count as vigorous exercise? Sprints to the frig? Jumping up and down on liberals' tiny little heads whilst singing the national anthem? Running naked through churches while curling a six pack and sporting a tattoo that says 'horndogs for Jesus'?"

I know you asked yourself those exact questions.

The DHHSS (please pardon the extra "S"; just came out) didn't specify, so I'll have to presume Yes to all of the above, and so I have planned my coming week accordingly. Stay tuned.

Speaking of staying tuned, the evening news (I dangle my participles, but never during foreplay) pronounced the new exercise rules from The Diet Luftwaffe's Hermann Goering (a Mr. Leavitt) with such serious mien that had the volume been muted on the TV, I must have believed the U.S. to be at DefCom 5 and Russian missiles close at hand. Luckily, I got so caught up in the news reader's ("anchors" are for boats) tilting and swaying of her pretty little head that I completely lost track of what was being said and became, I think, hypnotized. That may explain why I missed the guidelines about foreplay et al. Damn it!

Anyway, you might be asking yourself, "Why is the U.S. government telling me how much exercise I must get and who the f-ck's business is it anyway and are my tax dollars not only going to obese parasites on the dole but also to fascist curmudgeons with nothing to do but state the obvious in a threatening manner?" If you did, you have earned the dark-chocolate Coin of Self-Respect award from this blog. No, I haven't yet minted the coins. Well, that's not exactly true. They have disappeared of late, along with my best Cabernet.

I vow to mint faster in the future, as part of my new exercise regimen.

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