Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Shoes, whiskey, panties, dictionaries and sperm

Journalists could learn a lot from the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day: When a politician is speaking, throw something and don't grovel. Make a stand. Be somebody. Get creative. Have fun. Get some gonads. Treat the Oval Office with the (dis)respect it deserves in modern America. Give prime-time ratings a boost. Think "Reality TV."

That said, the whole projectile strategy should be taken a step further. It should be metaphorical. The Iraqi should have thrown a dictionary at the man who has mutilated (along with his father) the English language. With that in mind, here are some recommendations of projectiles that should have been thrown at presidents going back to Kennedy during their press conferences (which would have made watching required).

1) John Kennedy (who stole the election and was a womanizer) -- wadded-up ballot forms and soiled panties.
2) Lyndon Johnson (who stole his Senate seat and escalated in Vietnam) -- wadded-up ballot forms and human guts.
3) Richard Nixon (who enacted minimum wage rules and killed off the gold standard) -- blue-collar midgets (who must be tossed, not thrown) and fake gold nuggets.
4) Jimmy Carter (peanut farmer cum laude who had lust in his heart) -- boiled peanuts and sticky copies of Hustler Magazine.
5) Ronald Reagan -- exempt from Projectile Rule for making fun of Walter Mondale and making the media look like the mindless dolts they are and for being the best president of the 20th century.
6) George H.W. Bush (whose eloquence rivaled that of a non-English-speaking retard during his entire presidency and especially when the Soviet bloc collapsed) -- unexpurgated Oxford English Dictionaries and giant pieces of the Berlin Wall.
7) Bill Clinton (who wedded "sperm" and "presidency" in news accounts and bent his forefinger when talking down to the American people) -- giant, stiff dildoes lathering in, well, you know what.
8) George W. Bush (former clueless party boy cum clueless president and rabid Christian) -- King James bibles with carved-out centers containing tiny bottles of whiskey.

Of course, the one projectile good for all presidential speaking occasions is the pinocchio nose. That should be standard fair upon the opening remarks, and will come in especially handy when Barack Obama begins his four-year farce. Of course, the nose will need to be color appropriate, which can be accomplished by mixing feces and some of Bill Clinton's -- well, you get the idea.

No comments: